As a relationship coach, I’ve labored with numerous shoppers who come to me annoyed, heartbroken, and confused. They’re superb individuals. Profitable of their careers, enticing, clever… but they’ll’t appear to make a relationship final. The dialog often begins the identical means: “Amie, I don’t know what’s improper with me. Each relationship ends the identical means.”
The reality is, most relationship failures aren’t about unhealthy luck or not discovering “the one.” They’re about patterns of self-sabotage that we repeat with out even realizing it.
These behaviors are unconscious and might really feel protecting. They helped us survive previous damage, disappointment, or trauma. However what as soon as protected us now prevents us from experiencing the deep, genuine love we deserve.
When you’re prepared to interrupt the cycle, let’s dive into the seven most typical self-sabotaging behaviors I see and, extra importantly, what to do about them.
#1 – Lack of Vulnerability
Right here’s a sample I see continually: somebody is relationship, issues appear to be going nicely, after which by month three, it fizzles out. This occurs repeatedly, and so they can’t determine why.
The reply? No actual intimacy is being constructed.
Vulnerability is the inspiration of intimacy. Once you refuse to let your guard down, share your fears, or present your genuine feelings, you’re primarily relationship with armor on. You may assume you’re defending your self, however you’re truly stopping any significant connection from forming.
With out vulnerability, there’s no battle decision since you’re avoiding battle altogether. However right here’s what most individuals don’t perceive: wholesome battle is how {couples} deepen their bond. These troublesome conversations the place you share what damage you, what scared you, or what you want. These are the moments that create true intimacy.
In case your relationships constantly finish across the three-month mark, ask your self: Am I actually letting this individual see me? Or am I retaining them at arm’s size whereas questioning why we’re not getting nearer?
Begin small. Share one thing that feels barely uncomfortable. Discuss a concern, a previous disappointment, or one thing you’re battling. Actual connection occurs after we enable ourselves to be actually seen.
#2 – Not Being Genuine
I get it. Once you actually like somebody, you need them to love you again. So that you begin adjusting… laughing at jokes you don’t discover humorous, pretending to like actions you barely tolerate, downplaying your opinions to keep away from disagreement.
You’re bending and molding your self into no matter you assume your companion desires.
However right here’s the issue: ultimately, they’re going to see the true you. And once they do, they’ll really feel deceived. They fell for somebody who doesn’t truly exist, and also you’ll really feel exhausted from sustaining the facade.
Worse but, you’ll by no means know if they really love you as a result of they by no means met the true you.
Authenticity isn’t about being troublesome or rigid. It’s about exhibiting up as your self from the start. It’s about having your individual opinions, sustaining your pursuits, and being sincere about your values. The appropriate individual will love you for who you’re, not who you fake to be.
Cease asking your self, “What does this individual need me to be?” and begin asking, “Am I being myself?” The individual meant for you’ll recognize your authenticity, not require you to cover it.
#3 – At all times Having to Be Proper
Relationships aren’t courtrooms, and your companion isn’t your opponent.
When you’re preventing to win each argument as a substitute of preventing to your relationship, you’re sabotaging your connection. This habits turns each disagreement right into a battle the place somebody needs to be victorious and somebody needs to be defeated. However in relationships, when one individual loses, each individuals lose.
At all times needing to be proper comes from ego, insecurity, or previous experiences the place you felt unheard. Nevertheless it creates a dynamic the place your companion begins to really feel small, dismissed, and in the end resentful.
Wholesome relationships require mutual effort, compromise, and the power to say “You realize what? You is perhaps proper” or “Let’s discover a answer that works for each of us.” It requires prioritizing the connection over your satisfaction.
Subsequent time you’re in a disagreement, pause and ask your self: “Do I need to be proper, or do I need to be related?” Select connection. Pay attention to know, to not rebutle. Bear in mind, you’re on the identical group.
#4 – Fixed Criticism: Tearing Down As an alternative of Constructing Up
Are you lifting your companion up or tearing them down?
Fixed criticism is without doubt one of the most poisonous behaviors in relationships. It would begin small with little feedback about how they load the dishwasher, how they costume, or how they deal with conditions. However over time, these criticisms erode confidence, belief, and love.
When somebody feels continually judged and criticized, they cease sharing themselves. They change into defensive, shut down, or ultimately, they depart.
Right here’s the reality: when you’re continually criticizing your companion, it says extra about you than it does about them. It is perhaps unhealed perfectionism, management points, or your individual insecurities being projected onto them.
Love is about being one another’s largest cheerleader, not one another’s largest critic. Sure, there’s a spot for constructive suggestions in relationships, nevertheless it ought to come from a spot of affection and assist, not judgment and contempt.
For each criticism, give 5 compliments. Practice your self to note what your companion is doing proper. And while you do want to handle one thing, do it with kindness and respect.
#5 – Avoiding Tough Conversations
When you’re sweeping points below the rug to “preserve the peace,” you’re not truly retaining the peace. You’re constructing a stress cooker of resentment.
Many individuals keep away from troublesome conversations as a result of they concern battle. They inform themselves they’re being “low-maintenance” or “easy-going,” however actually, they’re being absent. They’re not exhibiting up for the connection.
These uncomfortable conversations about damage emotions, unmet wants, or totally different expectations? They’re obligatory. Addressing points once they’re small prevents them from changing into relationship-ending issues.
Avoiding battle doesn’t make anybody a great companion. It makes you a ticking time bomb. Finally, all that unstated resentment will explode, often over one thing small, and your companion can be blindsided by the depth of your response.
Follow having small, uncomfortable conversations. “Hey, while you stated that earlier, it damage my emotions.” “I want to speak about our plans for the vacations.” These conversations construct belief and create a basis the place each individuals really feel protected expressing themselves.
#6 – Holding Onto Previous Baggage
When you’re punishing your present companion for what your ex did to you, you want to cease.
I do know you’ve been damage. I do know trusting once more is terrifying. However your new companion deserves a clear slate. They don’t seem to be your ex. They haven’t lied to you, cheated on you, or damaged your coronary heart, but when you’re treating them like they’ve, that’s on you.
Once you carry outdated wounds, belief points, and unhealed trauma into a brand new relationship, you’re sabotaging it from the beginning. You’re viewing every little thing by the lens of previous ache, which suggests you possibly can’t see the individual in entrance of you clearly.
This exhibits up as extreme jealousy, fixed suspicion, emotional partitions, or testing behaviors. You’re primarily saying, “I don’t belief you as a result of another person broke my belief,” which isn’t honest to anybody.
Do the work to heal earlier than coming into a brand new relationship. Get assist. Journal. Course of your previous. And while you do begin relationship once more, consciously remind your self that it is a new individual. Give them the chance to indicate you who they’re with out the load of your previous relationships on their shoulders.
#7 – Maintaining One Foot Out the Door
This is perhaps essentially the most harmful type of self-sabotage as a result of it appears to be like such as you’re in a relationship, however emotionally, you’re not.
When you’re all the time on the lookout for the exit, all the time retaining your choices open, all the time ready for one thing “higher” to return alongside. The unhappy half is that when you preserve this sample up, you’ll by no means expertise actual love. You may’t construct intimacy whereas concurrently planning your escape.
This habits stems from concern… concern of being damage, concern of constructing the improper selection, concern of lacking out. However right here’s what it truly creates: a self-fulfilling prophecy. By by no means absolutely committing, you guarantee the connection by no means reaches its potential, which confirms your concern that it “wasn’t proper.”
Dedication isn’t a lure; it’s a selection. It’s selecting to indicate up absolutely, to take a position utterly, to cease scanning the horizon for one thing higher and begin constructing one thing significant with the individual in entrance of you.
Make a aware selection. Both commit absolutely or let the individual go to allow them to discover somebody who will. Cease torturing your self and your companion with half-hearted presence. Actual love requires danger, vulnerability, and the braveness to decide on somebody absolutely.
When you acknowledged your self in any of those behaviors or all of them don’t beat your self up. Self-awareness is step one to alter. These patterns don’t make you damaged; they make you human. Most of those behaviors developed as safety mechanisms, methods to maintain your self protected from ache.
When you want assist in breaking these damaging patterns, I’m right here to assist. The very issues that shield you from ache are additionally retaining you from love. Schedule a Free Relationship Readiness Evaluation with me right here.
Your previous doesn’t must dictate your future. The relationships that didn’t work taught you helpful classes. Now it’s time to study from them and expertise the love you actually deserve.
