Earlier than turning into a relationship coach and a fortunately married girl, I used to be somebody who gave folks too many possibilities in relationship, as I all the time noticed the perfect in folks. I’d make excuses for purple flags I clearly noticed and persuade myself that somebody’s intense conduct was simply ardour, not problematic.
I fell for love bombing extra occasions than I care to confess. And right here’s the kicker: I received so hooked on that high-intensity, whirlwind romance that when somebody genuinely cared about me and needed to take issues at a wholesome tempo, I’d get bored. Are you able to imagine that? I mistook drama for love and stability for disinterest.
In the event you’re nodding alongside proper now, you’re not alone. Falling for love bombing is extremely widespread, and it’s designed to be addictive.
What Precisely Is Love Bombing?
Love bombing is a manipulation tactic the place somebody overwhelms you with extreme consideration, affection, and grand gestures early in a relationship. It’s not real love. It’s a calculated transfer to realize management and create emotional dependency. The particular person doing it floods you with chemical substances and hormones to make you’re feeling such as you’ve discovered “the one,” till they all of a sudden cease. Then you end up going via withdrawals and making an attempt to relive that top once more.
Listed here are some indicators that will help you defend your self from the love bomber.
1. It’s Too A lot, Too Quick
The very best feeling on the earth is when the particular person you’re into makes you’re feeling like an entire precedence. Shopping for lavish items after the primary date. They’re speaking about your future collectively after three dates. They’ve already deliberate your summer season trip, and also you’ve recognized one another for 2 weeks.
This was my largest weak spot. I keep in mind one man who, on our second date, began speaking about what our youngsters would appear to be and the place we’d honeymoon. As an alternative of feeling alarmed, my mistake was I felt chosen. Particular. Like I used to be so wonderful that he couldn’t assist however image our complete life collectively.
However right here’s the factor, love bombing isn’t about you being so unimaginable that they’ll’t comprise themselves. It’s about them making a fantasy so compelling that you simply’ll overlook the truth that they don’t really know something about you but. How can somebody love you earlier than they know your humorous quirks, what you’re like while you’re at your worst, or the way you deal with battle?
Love bombers rush timelines as a result of they want you emotionally invested earlier than you’ve got time to see via their act. They’ll discuss shifting in collectively, assembly dad and mom, or an unique dedication when you’re nonetheless determining if you happen to even have the identical values.
2. Fixed Communication Overload
Your telephone is buzzing all day, daily. Good morning texts, lunch check-ins, afternoon updates, night calls, and goodnight messages. In the event you don’t reply inside an hour, they’re asking if you happen to’re okay or in the event that they did one thing mistaken.
I used to suppose this was romantic. The fixed consideration made me really feel so needed and vital. One man I dated would textual content me actually each hour he was awake. If I was in a gathering and couldn’t reply for 2 hours, I’d come again to seven messages asking if I used to be mad at him, if he mentioned one thing mistaken, or if I used to be shedding curiosity.
At first, I liked feeling like such a precedence. However what I didn’t notice was that this wasn’t about love… it was about management and nervousness. He wasn’t texting as a result of he adored me a lot he couldn’t assist himself. He was texting as a result of he wanted fixed reassurance that I wasn’t going wherever.
This conduct serves two functions for love bombers: it retains you fascinated by them continually (you’ll be able to’t reside your life with out interruption), and it establishes a sample the place your responsiveness turns into a measure of your emotions. Quickly, you’re feeling responsible for not responding instantly since you don’t wish to “damage their emotions.”
3. They Need to Be Your The whole lot (And Need You to Be Theirs)
Immediately, they’re your greatest buddy, your accomplice, your leisure, and your emotional assist all rolled into one. They wish to be included in every thing and appear damage while you spend time with pals or household.
This was in all probability essentially the most damaging sample I fell into. I assumed it was romantic when somebody needed to spend each free second with me. When they’d say issues like “I simply wish to be with you on a regular basis” or “Why do you want anybody else when you’ve got me?” I interpreted it as deep love.
However what I used to be really experiencing was isolation disguised as devotion. Love bombers wish to turn out to be your complete world as a result of it provides them full management over your actuality. Whenever you’re getting all of your social wants met by one particular person, you lose perspective. You cease bouncing concepts off pals, you cease getting actuality checks from household, and also you cease sustaining the relationships that would aid you see purple flags.
I keep in mind one relationship the place I regularly stopped planning with anybody else as a result of each time I made plans, he would begin a struggle with me and make me really feel responsible for having relationships exterior of ours. I used to say issues like, “In the event you love me a lot, why do you must hang around with anybody else? Shouldn’t I be sufficient?”. However slowly, I began realizing I used to be being separated from my assist system.
Probably the most manipulative half is how they make you’re feeling responsible for wanting different relationships. They’ll act damage or rejected while you select to see pals, making you’re feeling such as you’re being imply or ungrateful.
Need to know the distinction between love bombing vs. real curiosity? I share 4 indicators on this video!
4. Intense Emotional Declarations
“I’ve by no means felt this manner earlier than,” “You’re so completely different from everybody else,” “I feel you is likely to be my soulmate,” and “The place have you ever been all my life?” all inside the first few months.
These declarations used to make me really feel like I’d gained the lottery. Lastly, somebody who acknowledged how particular I used to be! Somebody who may see previous my flaws to the wonderful particular person beneath! I ate it up each single time.
However right here’s what I realized: anybody who declares you their soulmate earlier than they REALLY know you! Is loving the fantasy they’ve created, not the advanced, actual particular person you really are.
Love bombers use these intense declarations to make you’re feeling uniquely particular and chosen. They’ll typically examine you to each different particular person they’ve dated, telling you ways completely different and fantastic you’re. However give it some thought…if they’re keen to declare you the love of their life after three weeks, what does that say about their judgment? What does that say about how they’ve handled folks of their previous?
These declarations are additionally a type of strain. When somebody tells you they’ve by no means felt this manner earlier than, you’re feeling obligated to really feel the identical approach again. After they say you’re their soulmate, disagreeing feels merciless.
They’re not sharing real emotions. They’re creating expectations and placing you ready the place you’re feeling like you must reciprocate their depth.
I additionally seen that love bombers typically have a really romanticized view of affection that’s based mostly on films and novels reasonably than actuality. They’re in search of that earth-shattering, all-consuming ardour that makes for good leisure however horrible real-life relationships.
5. They Mirror The whole lot You Do
Immediately, they love climbing (you talked about it as soon as), they’re additionally shut with their household (such as you), and wow, they’ve all the time needed to be taught Italian too! It’s such as you’re relationship your clone.
This one is sneaky as a result of it feels so good to search out somebody who “will get” you. I keep in mind pondering I’d discovered my good match when each dialog revealed one other factor we had in widespread. Identical favourite films, identical values, identical life objectives… it felt like destiny.
However what I used to be really experiencing was strategic mirroring. Love bombers turn out to be chameleons, adopting your pursuits, values, and character traits to make you’re feeling such as you’ve discovered your different half. They don’t have sturdy identities of their very own, so that they borrow yours.
The scary half is how good they get at this. They’ll keep in mind offhand feedback you made about loving dawn hikes and all of a sudden they’re sending you images of their morning path runs. You point out that household is vital to you, they usually begin speaking about how a lot they worth their relationships with their siblings. You say you’re fascinated by studying a brand new language, and shock, they’ve been desirous to do the identical factor!
What makes this significantly manipulative is that it creates a false sense of compatibility and future. You begin pondering “What are the percentages that we’d have a lot in widespread?” The chances are really fairly excessive when one particular person is intentionally copying the opposite.
I realized to identify this after I realized that these “good matches” by no means had sturdy opinions that differed from mine. They by no means challenged me to see issues in a different way or launched me to new views. The whole lot was simply… too handy, too good, too comparable.
6. It Feels Nearly Too Good to Be True
That little voice in your head retains whispering, “That is wonderful, however one thing feels off.” Belief that voice. Love bombing is supposed to really feel intoxicating, and your instinct is choosing up on the manipulation.
This is the signal I ignored essentially the most, and it value me dearly. I might actually have ideas like “This feels too quick” or “One thing doesn’t add up” after which I’d instantly dismiss them. I’d inform myself I used to be self-sabotaging as a result of I wasn’t used to being handled effectively.
However right here’s what I do know now: your instinct is extremely sensible. It picks up on micro-expressions, inconsistencies, and vitality that your acutely aware thoughts would possibly miss. When one thing feels too good to be true, it’s often as a result of it’s.
Love bombing creates a synthetic excessive that your nervous system acknowledges as unsustainable. That nagging feeling isn’t nervousness about being pleased… it’s your instinct recognizing that this stage of depth isn’t pure or wholesome. Actual love doesn’t really feel like a drug; it looks like coming to a secure house.
I keep in mind the precise second I realized to belief this sense. I used to be relationship somebody who was checking each field. Saying all the fitting issues, planning wonderful dates, showering me with consideration. However I felt anxious on a regular basis as a result of he would give me all this consideration, then disappear. Then present up once more, after I was offended with one other love bombing session would start till I forgave him.
The cold and hot dance went on for a number of months till I lastly acknowledged that my nervousness was my inside alarm system detecting hazard.
Why We Fall for It (And Why I Did, Repeatedly)
Right here’s what I realized the laborious approach: love bombing works as a result of it targets our deepest needs. All of us wish to really feel particular, chosen, and cherished. When somebody makes us really feel like we’re the middle of their universe, it’s intoxicating.
I received so used to this depth that wholesome relationships felt boring by comparability. When somebody would textual content me usually (not each hour), take time to plan dates thoughtfully (as an alternative of spontaneous grand gestures), and wish to really get to know me earlier than professing their love, I’d suppose they weren’t that .
I had confused the brief bursts of depth with ardour; I now notice it was by no means actual love.
Tips on how to Shield Your self
Decelerate (give it at the least 90 – days). I do know it’s laborious when every thing feels magical, however actual love doesn’t have an expiration date. If it’s meant to be, it’ll nonetheless be fantastic in three months while you’ve taken time to really know one another. Keep in mind, you’re assembly the gross sales consultant at first. Who’re they after they aren’t making an attempt to impress you?
Hold your assist system. Don’t abandon your family and friends for somebody new, irrespective of how wonderful they appear. Your folks know you and may typically spot purple flags you’re too smitten to see.
Belief your intestine. If one thing feels off, don’t ignore it. Our instinct is extremely highly effective, particularly when somebody is making an attempt to govern us.
Search for consistency over depth. Somebody who reveals up reliably, retains their phrase, and treats you effectively constantly is value a thousand grand gestures from somebody who’s unpredictable.
In the event you’re prepared to interrupt the cycle and construct the wholesome relationship you deserve, I provide a Free Relationship Readiness Evaluate. E-book your session right here and I’ll aid you establish your patterns and create a transparent path ahead.
